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Harold's Job/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, these days everybody wants to save money. Well here's a real simple way. Get yourself one of these wrecking balls off of a demolition crane. If you're wondering how you're gonna do that, here's a hint. They don't work weekends. All right, hang that from your front fender, and basically you're done. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Sure it looks sharp, but how's that gonna save me money? Won't do much for your gas mileage, but it'll save you 25% on tires, guaranteed. [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. I appreciate that. Oh, yeah, thank you. All right. All right. Oh, man. I know -- I know why you're so excited... Because this is the very first show of our new season here. Harold's running a bit late. I think he went to a birthday party and probably got his teeth caught in a piñata. I'm here. I'm here. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late. Look at you. Look at you. What kind of birthday party was that, eh? Did they have a rolex in your loot bag, huh? Birthday party? I wasn't at a birthday party. I was at a job interview, in the city! You know, you don't need a job in the city; you've got a job right here in the country. Yeah, I know, but the college wanted me to go so they could keep their high job placement record intact. Those college people, they have no idea what they're talking about. Yeah, I know. You just stay here, harold. You just graduated. You don't wanna work in the city. You'd have to live in the city. Oh, no. Oh, no, the city! With its hundreds of movie theatres, cabarets, model train clubs. What was I thinking? You just stay here, harold. You just graduated from college. You've got your whole life ahead of you, right here at possum lake. Yeah, who knows? Maybe I'll grow up and be able to belch like you guys. That'd be good, eh? No, don't, no. No, I got it. I've been practicing. No. No. No. No, harold, no. [ coughing ] it was close. That was close, though. Harold. One day. Harold. You have friends here you know. I mean, you don't have a girlfriend yet, but maybe somebody new will move in, who doesn't know you, and then you'll have a shot, huh? We have a great life here, harold. A great life. We have a great life here. I'm in no hurry to go anywhere. Ah, you didn't get the job, eh? Not even close. [ laughter and applause ] now everybody knows the best time to weed your lawn is between 11:00 a.M. And 3:00 p.M., in the heat of the noonday sun, when the weeds are feeling healthy and full of life. 11:00 to 3:00 is also prime nap time, so that makes weeding right out of the question. But here's how you can do both... You take small jam jars, and you fill 'em with about half an inch of gasoline. Then you place 'em on the lawn in close proximity to the weeds. And the heat of the noonday sun will focus through the glass. And just when that weed's feeling perky, [ explosion ] it's bye-bye, weed. [ shattering glass ] I suggest maybe you wanna take your nap indoors. [ glass shattering ] [ service bell ] oh. I'll get that for you, sir. All right. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Thanks very much. Fill 'er up, sir? Uh, no, you better not. The gas tank leaks when she's over halfway. Five bucks'd be perfect. Sure. Could you turn off the van, sir? Okay, but I hope you've got jumper cables. Uh, do you know you have no gas cap on your tank, here, just a ball of duct tape? Yeah, just stuff that back in the hole when you're done there. That works perfect. Actually, I lost the regular gas cap in a poker game. Right. Okay. Is this graffitti on your van here? Did somebody vandalize your vehicle? Oh, you're talking about the possum. A possum did this? No, no, no. This is a possum van -- this is a possum van. Oh, you transport possums. No, no, I painted the van to look like a possum. This is the official possum lodge vehicle. You're new here, aren't you? I just started. I'm a student. I pump gas and work part time in the garage. My name's dale. I'm pleased to meet you, dale. I'm red green. This here's wilfred laurier. Thanks, mr. Green. All right. No problem. What do you know, it started. You know, mr. Green, if you ever need anybody to do work on your van, I'd be happy to take a look at it for you. Well, thanks, dale, but I pretty much do all the mechanical work on this baby all by myself. It's time to play the possum lodge word game! [ applause ] today, mr. Dalton humphrey from humphrey's everything store is going to play for the grand prize from sam's shoe store. A buy-one-shoe-get- the-other-one-free coupon. Okay, mr. Humphrey, cover your ears now. Mr. Humphrey has 30 seconds to guess this word. Yeah, all right, mike. Okay, and go. All right, dalton, dinner by candlelight. Power failure. You get your wife a bouquet of flowers. Oh, apology! You're feeling kind of lovey-dovey, you know, in the mood, how do you act? Whiney? Almost out of time, mr. Green. Okay, forget you and ann. If your daughter eloped with that boyfriend of her's, what kind of a moment would that be? It would renew my faith in the almighty. That's right. Because they'd be in love, wouldn't they, dalton? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Her with the purple hair, him with the hardware coming out of his face; oh, yeah. That would be a real romantic novel. There we go. There we go. [ ringing bell ] every man has a few things in his life that he knows he should do, but he never quite gets around to. Now maybe for you, it's paying your taxes or visiting a relative or getting those empty beer bottles out of the sink. For me, it's cleaning out my car. I try to do it once every year. It's been a pretty good year. All right. Now this is a situation that often faces the handyman. Do you just press on with a hopeless cause, or do you try to come up with some creative way to do the job better, or do you just go for a nap? Well, I'm gonna come up with a better way to do this 'cause I can't be sleeping on my television show. That's your job. All right, I'm thinking what we gotta do is get the roof off of there, and I want to do it with as little effort as possible. I have a reputation to consider. Okay, now I need to add a couple of steel channels on the side. Here again, innovation is the key. Don't know quite what I'm looking for, but I'm sure I'll recognize it when I see it. Life is a smorgasbord. Now I know I'm not gonna find exactly what I want, so I'm gonna have to adapt. I need a couple of channels, you know, sort of like eavestroughs. Gotta be something here that's sorta like an eavestrough or something I could make into something like an eavestrough. Okay, it took a little extra time and a little extra imagination, but we now have the perfect way to clean out your car. You don't have to do any bending. You don't need a vaccuum, and it won't kill a whole afternoon. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, were you wondering how the car cleaning thing works? I'll give you three guesses. I want to talk to you older guys. Maybe you're having a tough time at work or worse still, maybe you're having a tough time at home. I'm talking about marriage problems. Maybe you've been married a long, long time, even in dog years. Things are getting a little stale,and it's hard to keep that marriage going. Maybe you're tired of the same old routine. Maybe you're tired of making up new excuses for your behaviour. Maybe you're even thinking about moving out and starting over on your own. Well, before you do that, I'd like you to try something for me. Go into a private room in your home. Maybe the bathroom, maybe the bedroom, doesn't matter. As long as there's a full-length mirror and you can be alone. Now lock the door, take off all of your clothes. All of them. Now stand in front of that mirror and take a good hard look. Don't look away. Do not look away. Look up. Look down. Look under if necessary. Turn to the side. Turn to the other side. Turn right around and look back over your shoulder in that mirror. Take your time. There's probably lots to see. Now ask yourself this question, are you in dating shape? Think about it. Is there anything in that mirror that you'd like a stranger to see? I didn't think so. Now get back out there and make that marriage work. And put your clothes on first and don't take them off until it's real, real dark. And remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Well, I tell you. It sure is good to be back on television again because when the show's not on, I try a lot of this stuff at home, and it puts a lot of strain on the marriage, I tell you. Oh, excuse me, red. Oh, you remember dalton humphrey. [ applause ] no, no, no. No, well I went to a lot of trouble to get these. Cemetery gates were locked when I got there. Oh, man. I just wanted to come by and congratulate you. You're getting your show back on the air and you know what I heard, harold got a job in the city. No, no, he didn't. So I was -- I guess you're gonna want be thinking about replacing him. You know getting a kind of a new co-host thing. Not really, no. What would that job pay, roughly? Roughly, zero. That's pretty rough. Yep. Well, it's based on performance, though. I gotcha. Forget it. Mike hamar. You know mike. [ applause ] mr. Green, I got something for you. I just wanted to thank you for everything you done for me, since I got out of the slammer, and if you ever need any extra help around, you know, on the show this year now that harold's finally gone, I'm here for you. Thank you, mike. Thank you. I just brought you a little gift. What's that? It looks like a car key. Is that a car key? Yeah, it's an extra key for your van. Or, actually, any van. [ laughter and applause ] well, red, thanks anyways for helping me with transporting the, uh, the -- the, uh, rabid man-eating bobcat? No, red, not man-eating. He would never eat you. Well, I'll tell you one thing. We're lucky we got out of the van when we did. I told you we should've used a cage. Well, it's not wide enough. Red, your van is not wide enough for a bobcat cage. What about your tranquilizer gun? I thought that dart would've knocked him out by now. Well, uh, it hasn't kicked in yet. You wait. He'll calm down, all right. Well, a bit. And then we can get back in the van and finish our trip. [ animal roaring ] oh! Oh! Drive fast. What? If we get in the van and drive fast, and then he'll be stuck to the back of the van. Oh, no, no, no. You're going to stand right here. Like that, all right. Right? I'm going to open these doors, okay. I'm going to run away. And then when the bobcat comes out to rip your face off, you nail him with another dart out of your tranquilizer gun. Ready? All right. Yeah. We could do that, but the gun is empty, red. Huh? Well, I used the last dart on that bobcat. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, this is nothing more than an airgun. [ gunshot ] o-o-oh. O-o-oh. Oh, oh, great. Okay, I guess there was another dart. I guess there was another dart in there. My mistake. Half dosage. Half dosage. Yeah, I should've hit him with two darts, and I -- I feel a little tired here, red. You all right? I'm gonna take a nap, just for a little while. Umm, let me see, I'm about 200 pounds so this, uh, I'll be waking up in around three or four hours. Oh, man. Or, uh, you could call for help. Yeah, all right. Hello, police? We have a situation here. Uh, yeah, I'd like to report a stolen vehicle. Oh, red, red, this is great. You're just in time for today's educational film. I'll come back later. No. No. No. No. This is perfect. It's a new project of mine. I make these films myself. Oh, boy, this isn't you and small animals or anything, is it? No. No. No. No. No, those aren't for company. No, this is a cartoon. You know they have cartoons for adults, you know. Felix the cat, the jetsons, that sort of thing. So you made a cartoon here have you? Yeah. I did all the voices, drew all the pictures myself. Wow. But it's not just a cartoon. This -- this film will teach people all about different things in the forest. Oh, yeah. This particular one will teach everyone about tree holes. Tree holes? Yeah. Sounds riveting. Yeah. Here we go. ♪♪ well, folks, time to learn about the dangers of tree holes. What's a tree hole, ranger gord? Well, harold, that's the common name for a hole that is in a tree. But, most people don't realize that a tree hole is actually a tree's mouth. Wow. I, uh, think you're wrong about that, gord. You don't usually make a lot of sense, you know. I think you're way out there. Ah-h-h! Now, this particular kind of tree is called a family tree. It's called that because it can eat a whole family of animals without feeling full. What kind of family though, right? You have to say what kind of animal family the tree eats. Don't interrupt me. You always bring up points that don't matter, harold. Have some respect for my presentation. Oh, sorry, gord. Sorry. Please forgive me. If it weren't for, you I'd be wallowing in ignorance forever. All of us would be. Well, that's so true. So listen up. Remember, folks, that it's never safe to put anything in a tree's mouth. Well, luckily this tree is fast asleep, or it would have tasted little harold as soon as I shoved him in there, and it would have bit him right in half. Ah, gord, what you're saying is not very logical. Maybe I can help you out here. Well, what did you see in the tree's mouth, little harold? Bees. That's right. This type of family tree loves to eat bees. Now, let's wake up the tree and tease it. That way we'll get an idea of how the family tree hunts for food. Good morning! Wake up! Why have you disturbed me? Bad move, tree. They might have been ignorant, but they were friends of mine. Whoa, what's happening? And remember, friends don't let friends get eaten by trees, without then snapping that tree off and throwing it into the sun. [ applause ] hey, how are ya? Oh, right, uh, it's time for mike's teen talk. Uh, I've got an idea for you teenage boys out there. I think you should pull your pants up higher. Like, maybe, up to around, say, your waistline, you know. I mean, uh, don't think I don't appreciate the value of really baggy clothes. Believe me, I know the value of really baggy clothes, especially when I'm shopping. But you know, right now your wallets are hanging down around the backs of your knees. Talk about easy pickings, you know. Not that you guys carry too much cash in these things. And how do you run with the crotch of your pants around your knees like that? I mean, I'd be a dead man if I couldn't run, you know? And then there's your appearance. I know, all your funny hair and the rings on your face and stuff is your way of standing out. I know that. But sometimes standing out isn't such a good idea. Like, say, in a police lineup. Now my advice to you would be to either move to new guinea, or try to look like everybody else right and -- and be just like them too, only be sneakier. Hey, you might even get elected. That's it. Where the heck is harold? I need to talk to him. Uh, what is it uncle red? Away you go. C'mon. For pete's sake. Harold, harold, harold, come here. Boy, they look sharp. The college called. The company changed their mind. They're offering you the job. You're kidding! Oh, oh, that's so great. That's great. That's good. That's good. Oh, but I'd have to go, and I couldn't leave you to do the show alone. Oh, no, no. I know that. I'm just telling you, that's all. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna stay here like you, all your life, right here at possum lake. I don't need the hassles of the big city. You sure don't. No, siree. Harold, you know what I'm thinking? I've never had a clue really. Just think about this, okay. What say you take the job with the company just for a laugh to try it out. Take the job? Just for a laugh to try it out. Yeah, and I'll come down and visit you at your job, and we'll make that a segment in the show. Oh, I don't know. You shooting in the city? From what I hear, everybody's shooting in the city. And then, once in a while, you come up here to the lodge and be on the show here. Okay -- okay let's try it. Let's give it a shot. All right good for you. I'll tell you something, harold, you're not such a bad guy. I'll tell you something, uncle red, you're not such a bad guy either. You know something else? You're pretty smart. You're not such a bad guy either. [ applause and laughter ] oh, meeting time. I gotta go. Yeah, all right, harold. Well, that's it for our show, but be sure to tune in next time when I'm going to make a visit to the city and visit harold before he loses that job of his. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and it looks like harold has finally matured and grown up, but I don't see it happening to me any time soon. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and, well, the whole gang up here at possum lodge keep your stick on the ice. Closed captions performed by intercaption canada. Www.Intercaption.Com all rise. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Closed captioning provided by